Imagine you’re at a social gathering. You’re hanging with friends, having a good time, when all of a sudden, you feel several taps on your shoulder. You turn around to find …

A stranger standing awkwardly at a distance, barely making eye contact with you.

Let’s rewind that.

Imagine you’re at a social gathering. You’re hanging with friends, having a good time, when all of a sudden, you feel a clammy hand lingering on the small of your back. You turn around to find …

A stranger leaning into your face, grinning and glaring at you.

Assuming you feel uncomfortable when strangers touch you without your consent, would you respond the same way in these two instances?

Probably not, right?

Just a Starting Point

Consent education teaches us to set boundaries. We learn to take care of ourselves. We learn to say no. We learn that “no” is a complete sentence.

At the same time, we have to remember that “no” is a starting point, not the final say. It’s a complete sentence, but it isn’t the only complete sentence. There are so many other ways to say no, and there absolutely will be times when we’ll want to vary our response.

We may consider how civil we want to be. We may consider whether we’ll hurt the other person’s feelings and whether we want to avoid that. We may consider the severity of the transgression and the level of harm it caused. We may consider whether it’s an innocent one-time mistake or a pattern of malicious behaviors. We may consider where we are and whether we want to cause a scene.

Managing all these simultaneous considerations is beyond the scope of this post, as we’re now drifting towards the deep personal work one might do with a therapist. But how we ultimately decide to respond is a lesson we can still draw from therapy …

Specifically, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Different Levels of No

DBT teaches us all matters of managing our emotions and setting boundaries. As part of DBT, we learn to articulate our “no’s” across a range of intensities. So let’s take a page from DBT and practice this, because different circumstances warrant different responses …

Think back to the above scenario, where a stranger touches you without asking, and you want to tell them that’s not okay. I’m going to give you five possible ways to respond, starting with the least intense and ending with the most intense. Say each one out loud to yourself.

Reply 1:

Hiii, can you ask before you touch me?

Say this sentence with all the warmth and kindness you can muster. Imagine talking to someone you care deeply about, whose feelings you want to avoid hurting at all costs. Gentleness is your priority here.

Reply 2:

I prefer that you ask before you touch me.

This time, remove some of the warmth from your voice. Get a little colder and blunter. You don’t want to be mean, but you also don’t care as much about the other person now. If they find your reply slightly off-putting, you can live with that.

Reply 3:

Please ask before you touch me.

Here, be as neutral and emotionless as you can. You don’t care about the other person, but that means you don’t have any negative feelings towards them, either. Or you’re just totally unperturbed. Be a robot.

Reply 4:

Stop. Please don’t touch me.

As you shift away from a neutral tone, let some frustration seethe into your voice. Even if you care about this person, the transgression is severe enough that you’re willing to sacrifice some civility to stick up for yourself. Because really, you’re kind of annoyed.

Reply 5:

Don’t fucking touch me!

Now, unleash your fury. Either this person just doesn’t get it, or you’ve had to deal with this enough times that you are just over it. Your only goal now is to make sure they understand how not okay you are with what they did. Nothing else matters.

Phew, right?

Debrief

So how was this for you? Did one end of the scale feel way more natural than the other? Did you find yourself looking at one or more of the responses and thinking, “Yeesh, that is so not me”?

If so, remember that the goal here is to widen your verbal repertoire, to prepare yourself for all the encounters where you may end up wanting to set a boundary, to have a variety of responses ready to go when you need them. This takes practice.

Another thing to consider:

If you hover around 1 most of your life, imagine the power your voice can wield on those rare occasions when you deliver a 5. Or if you’re typically a 5 kinda person, consider the emotional impact your words might have if you shift to 1 all of a sudden.

Another ‘nother thing:

Maybe you’re normally a 1, but turn into a 5 when you get angry enough. That might be fine, but it can also be helpful to train yourself to be intentional with your replies. This way, if you do give someone a piece of your 5, it’s not because you got so frustrated that the rage came spilling out, but because you consciously decided to express yourself in this manner. I call this state “controlled rage,” where you’re showing your anger, but are still fully in control of your emotions.

So, practice these in front of a mirror. Record video of yourself. Go back and forth with a friend. Come up with your own scenarios and progressions.

Because life is too complex for only one way of saying no to ever be enough.