Welcome to M&D’s kink safety talk! We have this talk any time we are negotiating an impact scene with a new play partner*. Our goal is create an experience that is comfortable, safe, and pleasurable for you. We mostly do this talk in-person, but it can be adapted for online messaging as well.

*With people we’ve played with previously, we adapt or expand on this talk as needed. Also, “scene” here refers to kinky play. If we’re engaging in sexual play, we use a different conversation. If this talk is too simplistic for you, click here for an exhaustive list of questions you can adapt for yourself.

1. Overall Experience

The first question we like to ask is intentionally broad, so please answer it in whatever way feels right for you:

What would you like to get from your experience with us? How do you want to feel?

2. Safe Words

We always have safe words, even when we don’t plan to go hard. Safe words allow you to feel secure that you are 100% in control of the scene. We use “yellow” for “slow down” and “red” for “stop.” Whenever you need us to slow down or stop, all you have to do is say “yellow” or “red,” and we will immediately slow down or stop.

If we’re in a loud setting, we also use arm signals in lieu of safe words. We can show you how those arm signals work in person.

Keep in mind that our intention is not to make you safe word (unless that’s what you want and what we negotiate). Safe words are a precaution to make you feel … well, safe with us.

On the topic of safe words …

Do you have any medical conditions, or will you have taken any medications or substances that may make it difficult for you to safe word properly?

Examples of medical conditions might be a disposition to fainting. Examples of substances might be alcohol.

3. Off-Limit Body Parts

Unless otherwise negotiated, most of the impact we deliver will be on your butt and upper back, with some incidental contact on your lower back, legs, shoulders, and arms. Impact on the front side can be discussed as well. There will be no impact above the neck.

Is this okay with you? Are there any parts of your body that we should avoid altogether?

If you have any physical injuries, you may want to mention this as an off-limit body part.

4. Physical Touch

We use various tools to deliver impact. We also use our hands, for both impact and sensual touch, as a way to connect with you during our scene. We may incorporate grounding touch, gentle caresses, spanking, pinching, light scratching, and light hair pulling. Unless specifically requested and subsequently negotiated, we will not touch your genitals (breasts, vulva, penis) with our hands, though these parts may receive some incidental contact from our longer, flowier impact toys.

What types of hand touch are you okay or not okay with?

It is perfectly fine to say no to all forms of hand touch and only want contact from tools.

5. Intensity

We use a scale of 1-10 to communicate how intense you want us to be. To calibrate to your scale, we will top you for a bit, then pause and ask you to rate the level of intensity that was for you, with 10 being your red. So for instance, we may flog you for 30 seconds, and we’ll ask, “What number was that?”

You’ll respond with the number that was for you. And then we’ll ask, “What number do you want to go to next?” And then you’ll respond with whatever number you want to go to next. This way, we can always know exactly how hard you want it, even if that changes over the course of our scene.

For now …

About what number are you wanting to get to for our scene? Are you wanting to get to yellow or even red?

We understand that frequent check-ins may be distracting and prevent you from getting into subspace. However, if this is our first time playing with you, check-ins are not negotiable for us, as that is how we can make sure we are being extra-safe with you. Once we’ve played together a few times, we are happy to negotiate skipping in-scene check-ins altogether.

6. Aftercare

After our scene, we like to sit down together and have a brief chat about how the experience was for you. We will ask you such questions as what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy, what suggestions you have for us, and if there’s anything else you need from us. This is aftercare for us.

As for you …

What will you need – or what do you anticipate needing – for aftercare?

Closing

And that’s basically it for our safety talk. When we meet before our scene, we’ll briefly run through all this again, in case anything changes for you. We may also add a few questions as we chat about the specifics of what you want to experience. For now, hopefully you have a better sense of how we practice our kink and how you’ll fit into that.

We look forward to playing with you soon!