Flog & Flow

Rhythmic & Sensual Impact Play with M&D

Kink Vetting & Safety Questions

If you’re not sure what questions to ask when vetting a potential play partner and negotiating a scene, use the list below to get some ideas.

The list is pretty exhaustive, but also incomplete, because it is literally impossible to cover the entirety of kinky activities people out there might be into.

Seriously, humans are just a bunch of degenerates, and we might as well own it.

So think of it as a starting point if you’re new to kink. The list should cover most of the intro-level, “gateway” kinks people may want to start with. You may decide to skip certain questions and add your own. You may also decide to change up your questions on a scene-by-scene or partner-by-partner basis. As an example, click here to see the streamlined talk we usually have.

Many of the questions are designed to elicit a detailed conversation, so you may ultimately choose to focus most of your negotiation on just a handful of them.

Some of the questions are for a bottom to ask of a top, and some are for a top to ask of a bottom, but most can be reworded and applied to both sides of the dynamic.

Click here for a downloadable and printable Google Doc of this list.

Without further ado, here is our Exhaustive Yet Incomplete List of Kink Vetting & Safety Questions …

Vetting

  1. What is your overall experience with kink?
  2. What is your experience with the specific activity we’re negotiating?
  3. What have your past play partners said about their experience with you?
  4. What clubs or events do you attend or have attended?
  5. Which model of consent do you practice (SSC, RACK, PRICK, etc.)?
  6. Do you practice opt-in consent or opt-out consent?
  7. What are your safe words, and what do they mean?
  8. What nonverbal signals do you use as a backup for safe words?
  9. When you hear a safe word, what is your immediate response?
  10. Describe a time when a scene went poorly. How did you respond?
  11. How comfortable are you with saying “no” or voicing discomfort?

Before Our Scene

  1. What would you like to get from our experience together?
  2. How do you want to feel during our scene?
  3. How are you feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally?
  4. Are there any factors that may inhibit your ability to use safe words? Do you ever become nonverbal?
  5. Do you have any medical conditions that I should be aware of?
  6. Have you taken any medications or substances prior to our scene?
  7. Do you have any allergies (leather, rabbit fur, etc.)?
  8. Are there any parts of your body that are off limits?
  9. Do you have any physical injuries?
  10. Do you have any triggers? Is there anything I should avoid saying or doing?
  11. Do you have any honorifics? How should I address you?
  12. Will anyone else be involved with our scene? If so, in what capacity?
  13. Do you have significant partners with preferences I should be aware of?

During Our Scene

  1. What kind of warm-up do you need before our scene?
  2. What do you want to happen during our scene?
  3. Will we engage in only the activities we’ve specifically negotiated? Or are you open to additional negotiations during our scene?
  4. How frequently during our scene will we pause and check in?
  5. How do you want to talk or be talked to (soft, loving, humorous, goofy, sarcastic, blunt, snarky, condescending, degrading, etc.)
  6. What dungeon equipment do you prefer to use (St. Andrews Cross, spanking bench, etc.)?
  7. Do you have any body positions that are uncomfortable or unsustainable?
  8. How do you feel about mental play (fake hits, surprises, long delays between hits, abrupt switching of toys, etc.)?
  9. How do you feel about power exchange (high protocol, giving/receiving commands, etc.)?
  10. How do you feel about restraints (rope, chains, wet pasta, etc.)?
  11. How do you feel about sensory deprivation (blindfolds, headphones, etc.)?
  12. How do you feel about sensual or sensation play (fur, claws, hot or cold temperature, electricity, etc.)?
  13. How do you feel about impact toys (floggers, whips, paddles, canes, crops, fly swatters, etc.)?
  14. How do you feel about markings?
  15. How do you feel about non-sexual touch (spanking, punching, scratching, pinching, squeezing, hair pulling, tickling, biting, etc.)?
  16. How do you feel about sexual touch (body kissing, mouth kissing, fondling, rubbing, penetration with fingers, penetration with toys, giving oral, receiving oral, penetration with a penis, etc.)?
  17. If there will be sexual touch, what are your STI testing and safety practices?
  18. From the above lists, which are you open to trying, but may end up being soft limits (use safe words when needed)?
  19. From the above lists, which are the hard limits (don’t even try them)?
  20. How will you communicate how intense something feels and how intense you want it to feel?
  21. What are some nonverbal cues that you’re enjoying our scene?
  22. What are some nonverbal cues that you’re not enjoying our scene?
  23. How long do you want our scene to last?
  24. What will be the overall mood or atmosphere of our scene?

After Our Scene

  1. How do you want to feel after our scene?
  2. What will you need for aftercare?
  3. Do you accept/receive gratitude? If so, what forms?
  4. Do you want a follow-up check-in? If so, when and via what medium?
  5. What is your plan and what do you need from me if you experience a drop?
  6. What sort of continuing relationship — if any — are you wanting with me?

Do you have a favorite question of your own that you’d like to share? Submit it here!

Last update: 6/10/25

A heartfelt “thank you” to the following friends who shared their favorite questions with us: Scarlette, The Naked Brewer, Joley, Prinzess Mimi, Mx Daisy Divine, Luscious Lexi, Jimmy, Jenn, Emily, Justin, Shelby.