Welcome to M&D’s sexual consent talk! We are students of sex positivity, and we’ve been having conversations about consent for several years now. One conversation that has resonated with us is called STARS, developed by Dr. Evelin Dacker (read about it here or watch her TEDx Talk here). We are proponents of safe and open conversations in relationships, and we love the frank communication STARS fosters.

And yet, we also realized that STARS has its limitations. By reducing desire into a binary (turn-ons versus avoids), STARS leaves no room for things someone may want to try, but doesn’t know yet if they’ll actually enjoy. STARS also fails to allow for people to push their boundaries in a safe and consensual manner, which comes up when we start drifting into the realm of kink.

And that’s why we decided to slightly modify STARS. In addition to “turn-ons,” we add “open to,” which encompasses the activities we’re open to trying, but whose appeal can shift during play or we just aren’t sure about yet. These activities might end up being turn-ons, but we want to leave room to immediately stop should they start leaning towards the “avoid” end of the binary. For this reason, we also include safe words in our conversation — something that STARS fails to specify.

Of course, “STOARS” is definitely not as catchy as “STARS.” But hey, not everything always works out perfectly. So without further ado, here is our …

STOARS Consent Conversation

We use the outline below to start a conversation with someone we’re interested in playing with*. Even if we’ve already played with you before, we may ask to have the conversation again, since interests change. These questions may also lead to deeper discussions, and that’s all the more awesome!

*Note that this conversation is intended for mostly sexual play, with maybe a tinge of kinky stuff. If we’re operating well within the realm of kink, we have a more detailed safety checklist that we use.

Safety

Should we play together, what will you need for the encounter to feel safe?

This question encompasses not only sexual safety, but overall physical, emotional, psychological, cultural, and spiritual safety.

Examples: medical or mental health issues to be aware of, emotional needs, use of substances or medications, cultural or spiritual values to be respectful of.

Turn-ons

Should we play together, what activities are exciting or arousing for you?

Effectively, these are the activities you are consenting to beforehand. At the same time, we acknowledge the fickle nature of sexual arousal. If you discover you’re not as turned on as you thought you would be, you absolutely may tell us to stop at any point while we are playing.

Open to

Should we play together, what activities are you not sure you’ll be into, but are curious about and open to trying? How will you communicate how you’re feeling about these activities in the moment?

A vital discussion to have here is whether you want to just dive into an “Open to” activity during play, or whether you want to pause and check in first. Either way, this is an ideal time to discuss safe words.

Avoids

Should we play together, what activities should we avoid entirely?

The Avoids are the hard no’s, but we generally try to practice opt-in consent, anyway. This means that we only engage in the activities that are specifically consented to beforehand.

Relationship Intentions

Should we play together, what sort of relationship are you seeking? What sort of emotional connection are you seeking?

Examples: one-night stand, occasional meetups, friends with benefits, “monogamous non-monogamy,” etc.

STI Status and Overall Health

How often do you get screened for STI’s? What were your most recent results? Do you have any health issues we should be aware of before we play together?